Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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