just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
