It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
