Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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