U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
