remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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