I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
