It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
