I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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