i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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