if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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