yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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