she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
