I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
