Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I will be naked everywhere
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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