All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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