i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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