I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
