moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
