it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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