I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
