no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
