I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
