when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
