My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
