her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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