you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
