i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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