Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
