I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
