Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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