I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
