I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
