Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
