First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
