cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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