Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
