It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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