Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
