I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
