i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
