mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize