I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
