My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
God I need to hump something, right now.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
