Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
