Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
