if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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