Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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