I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize