Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
