I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
