My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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