I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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