I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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