my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
