how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
