We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
