my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
