the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
