I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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