We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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