I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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