Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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