he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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