I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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