I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
