story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
