yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
